


Crowley’s Unhealthy Habits

by Meghann985



Category: Good Omens (TV), Good Omens - Neil Gaiman & Terry Pratchett
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, BAMF Aziraphale (Good Omens), Blood, Crowley Was Raphael Before Falling (Good Omens), Eventual Fluff, Homophobia, Ineffable Husbands (Good Omens), M/M, No Sex, Original Character(s), Panic Attacks, Self-Harm, Slurs, camhs is shit, this is helping me more than two years of therapy has, this is just me projecting on fictional characters
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-09-25
Updated: 2020-03-08
Packaged: 2020-10-27 19:07:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 17
Words: 7,015
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20765438
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Meghann985/pseuds/Meghann985
Summary: Crowley has been self harming for centuries. Aziraphale finds out and tries to help but will he be able to save the love of his life?





	1. Crowley is Home Alone

**Author's Note:**

> Hey, this is my first fanfic ever so I hope it’s not too bad. Constructive criticism is always welcome so feel free to leave comments. This fic will probably be quite dark but there will be fluff to make up for it. Please don’t read this if you think it will be triggering, I don’t want anyone to get hurt because of me. Also, please let me know what tags to add.  
This fic is quite therapeutic for me.

Crowley looked at the razor blade glinting softly in his hand. He knew he shouldn’t be doing this but it wasn’t like anyone cared. Even Aziraphale couldn’t be bothered with him anymore. Yes, the angel claimed that he had only left for a few days to buy a new book he had heard about but Crowley knew better. He knew that was an excuse and that his husband had left and was never coming back.

That was all people (or in this case ethereal beings) did anyway. They left and they didn’t come back. Plus, who wouldn’t leave him? He was a demon and a particularly vile one at that.

He pulled himself out of the thought spiral he was beginning to fall into and yanked his sleeve up. The pale arm underneath was covered both in faint white lines and newer cuts. Crowley shifted his position before pushing the blade deep into his skin and dragging it along, enjoying the blood that dripped onto the floor. Sometimes he wished he was human, because then he could end his suffering completely. All that would happen if he attempted suicide would be discorporation which was infinitely worse than his life right now.

Crowley repeated this action a few more times before standing up. He looked in the mirror at the disgusting eyes that were a result of his fall. All he had done was ask questions. What was wrong with that? The archangels in charge right now were awful and took great pleasure in making lesser angels and humans suffer. As he began to walk to the bedroom, his vision started to turn black. 

Shit. Shitshitshitshitshit.

He knew deep down that one day he would lose a little too much blood and pass out. His habit was just getting worse as time went on and Crowley knew he was losing control. What kind of idiot was he to do this when he was alone? 

The last thought he had before completely losing consciousness included the words angel, love, and help.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Aziraphale comes home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m sorry this is so short, hopefully once I’m more used to writing this stuff they’ll get longer. Thanks for your support on the last chapter!

Aziraphale was currently in Canada looking at a first edition copy of David Copperfield. It was a particularly gorgeous copy and he was just about to pay the man for it when he felt a cold shiver going down his spine. He instantly knew that Crowley was in danger and he had to get back home now. Miracling the money into the man’s bank account, Aziraphale quickly turned into an alley where no one could see him before returning to his bookshop and his husband.

He had known that Crowley was rather unhappy about his leaving but hadn’t thought anything of it. Although he would deny it vehemently if confronted, the demon was a clingy creature and rather liked to be held. To be without his angel was still difficult for Crowley because he was afraid of Heaven going after Aziraphale and hurting him.

Perhaps Crowley was simply upset that he had been gone for longer than usual. Surely it couldn't be anything worse than that?

Whatever he had been expecting, it certainly wasn’t this. His husband, the love of his life, was currently sprawled across the floor outside of their bedroom in a puddle of his own blood. It was obvious from the angle of the cuts on Crowley’s arms that they were self inflicted, and the scars also showed Aziraphale that this was not the first he had hurt himself. A tear slowly worked its way down his cheek as he looked at the demon in front of him. Then, he lunged for the unconscious man on the floor and gathered him into a warm embrace.

“Oh, bollocks! Crowley, darling, please wake up, come on, I won’t be angry just please, please come back to me!”

Crowley slowly began to stir in his arms. His yellow eyes flickered open for a few seconds before quickly closing again. Aziraphale let out a small sigh of relief. 

“I think it’s about time we had a little chat, dearest”.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Crowley wakes up and Aziraphale tries to talk to him.
> 
> It doesn’t end well.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry that this is so bad, I wrote it in the middle of the night and I don’t have a beta. Thank you so much for the kudos, comments and bookmarks!

Crowley hadn’t intended for Aziraphale to find out about his habit. He had managed to hide it for centuries but now the cat was out of the bag. His husband, his angel, the person he loved more than anyone in the world, had found out.

Aziraphale was going to hate him.

Hate him for being so weak and pathetic, hate him for allowing things to get this bad. Somebody help him.

Every molecule in Crowley’s body was screaming out for a release, the sort of release that could only be achieved with a sharp object.

“Crowley, darling, are you awake?” 

Fuck. Fuck fuckity fuck fuck. Aziraphale was with him and he was sure to ask questions. The sort of questions that made Crowley want to curl up in a ball and hide for a few decades. The sort of questions he had managed to avoid (mostly) until now.

“I need you to be brave for me dearest. I know it’s difficult but I want to help you.”

Aziraphale’s pleading tone made Crowley sit up and gaze at him nervously with his yellow eyes. The angel bit his lip anxiously. How should he go about this? Sympathy was a no-go but sounding confrontational would scare Crowley away. He decided to go for the third option, which was to try to understand why the demon did this to himself. 

“Why did you hurt yourself today?” Aziraphale hoped that he would get a straight answer from the demon. This was not to be.

“Well, err, I don’t really know.” Crowley looked like a deer caught in the headlights, his eyes were as wide as saucers.

“Dearest, if you want me to help you then I need you to be honest with me. You must have had a reason! People don’t just mutilate themselves for no reason!”

Crowley blew up.

“Angel, I don’t know, okay? I felt like doing it, so I did. You don’t have to worry about me because I’m fine. Weak and pathetic, yeah, but fine. I don’t need help! No one was there for me before, no one gave a damn. It’s not like it’s hurting anyone else, is it? Just leave me alone to deal with my own stupid problems! I know you hate me and you’ll leave soon anyway, so what difference does this make?” He screamed, tears running down his face.

And with that he left the warmth of the bookshop.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Aziraphale and Crowley don’t communicate (wow, what a shock) and they both suffer because of it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey again, here’s another chapter. It’s quite shit but whatever. Please comment and leave kudos if you want, it helps me a lot.
> 
> Thanks for reading!

Aziraphale was left in his comfy chair. He was slightly confused and very concerned about Crowley. This was the first time in over six thousand years that the demon had shouted at him and it was a very telling sign. The angel was very, very worried. He had expected him to be upset and withdrawn, maybe regretful, but certainly not furious with Aziraphale for finding out. 

Meanwhile, Crowley was racing down Oxford Street in his Bentley. He had very few thoughts in his head, apart from to find the nearest chemist for some half decent blades. After they had gotten married they had moved into Aziraphale’s bookshop because it was far more welcoming than his own apartment which meant that hiding blades was much harder. He assumed (correctly) that the angel would have gotten rid of anything Crowley could use to harm himself, meaning he would have to buy some new razors.

Crowley arrived at a small chemist quickly. Of course, he could just miracle the blades up but he felt so much more in control when he did things this way. He bought some bandages, some dettol, shaving foam and a brand new razor. Obviously the shaving foam was just for appearances sake but it wouldn’t go wrong. He would donate it somewhere. After paying, he quickly left and got back in the Bentley. Now he just had to find somewhere private.

In the bookshop, Aziraphale was getting even more frantic with every minute that passed. He certainly wasn’t stupid and he knew that Crowley was most likely out buying new utensils to cut himself with. He also knew that he couldn’t babysit the demon twenty four hours a day. The angel resolved to give the demon an hour and if he hadn’t returned then Aziraphale would have to look for him.

The demon was sitting in a public toilet with his sleeves rolled up and a fresh new blade in his hand. There were tears rolling down his cheeks. How stupid could one creature be? Scared of people leaving him and then shouting at them like a banshee? He was pathetic. The least he could do was punish himself for it. Then he would return to the shop to get his things and apologise to his angel before leaving. He’d head to Peru, it was supposed to be nice this time of year. Or maybe Alpha Centauri, although it wouldn’t be the same without his husband. There was plenty of time to decide though, when he was feeling a little calmer. He pushed the cold, unforgiving piece of metal into his arm and pulled.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> These two need to COMMUNICATE better. It would save some heartache.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, thanks for checking in I’m **still a piece of garbage**

Aziraphale had spent the last half hour looking for Crowley. He had checked all of the usual places where they would go and then every pub in the area without luck. He was starting to panic now, what if Crowley had passed out again? Or been discorporated? The angel had to find him before it was too late.

Crowley was still in the public toilet. He was feeling very, very guilty now. Aziraphale didn’t deserve to be shouted at. All he was doing was trying to help and Crowley had hurt him, probably hurt him so much that he wouldn’t want to see the demon anymore. And what had he done? Went straight to buy some blades so he could cut himself. Pathetic. No wonder God hadn’t wanted him anymore. Fuck, even Hell didn’t want him anymore. 

Waste of space. Useless. Fat. Ugly. Pathetic. Evil. Weak.

The only thing he could do was go back to the bookshop and try to speak with Aziraphale. Hopefully the angel would allow him to get his plants before changing the locks.

In the time it had taken Crowley to reach this decision, Aziraphale had resolved to go back to the shop and wait there. His husband would show up eventually and they could try to get to the bottom of things. He was prepared to do anything to help his demon heal, even if it meant moving heaven and earth. Goodness, he would even give up all of his books (including the 1st edition Oscar Wilde’s) if it meant Crowley would be healthy and safe.

The demon in question was currently standing outside of said bookshop looking mournful. This was a bad idea. He should just hop back into the Bentley and drive off, that way he wouldn’t have to see his husband’s anger and grief. That way he wouldn’t have to listen to the inevitable “I can’t love you anymore” and “you’re so weak, Crowley, why can’t you just be normal?” amongst some other choice phrases. He had just opened the door when he heard it. So quiet he almost missed it, yet there all the same.

“Please don’t leave darling, I couldn’t live without you”.

How could he not comply?


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lots of crying and a small step for Crowley.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it’s been so long, had some stuff going on. This fic is so much fun to write. Hopefully I’ll have another chapter up either tomorrow or Tuesday.

Crowley turned on his heel to face the angel. Aziraphale’s eyes were puffy and red from crying which made the demon’s heart break into a million pieces. He locked the Bentley and barrelled straight into the angel’s open arms. He cried as if the world was ending. They went into the bookshop together and headed straight upstairs.

Aziraphale instantly burst into tears when he heard Crowley’s sobs. He could do nothing but steer his husband upstairs to their bed where they could have a nice chat.

“I’m sorry angel, I’m so so sorry, please, please don’t leave me, I’m sorry”

Now, Aziraphale had seen and heard many heartbreaking things. None of those compared to this, watching the love of his life weep in his arms and beg for him not to leave him. It was soul destroying.

“Crowley, dearest, I need you to listen to me. I’m not going anywhere unless you want me to. You are the only person on this earth who I’d risk everything for, who I love with every ounce of my being. Nothing you say or do could change that. I am going to be here with you always, through the good times and the bad. Now, darling, I need you to answer some questions for me. Can you do that? You can tell me to stop anytime.” 

The demon ceased his crying for long enough to nod. He was held securely in his angel’s arms and he felt safe, warm and loved.

“Did you hurt yourself when you were out?” Asked the angel, softly.

“Y-yes. I’m sorry, I panicked and I needed to. Please don’t be angry.”

“Hush, sweetheart, I’m not angry. Can I heal them for you?” Crowley shook his head aggressively. “Okay then, may I clean them? I don’t want them getting infected. I won’t heal them though unless you give me permission. Is that alright?” This time, the demon nodded slowly. He was anxious about letting anyone see what he had been hiding for centuries but he trusted Aziraphale more than anyone. Slowly, he pulled up his sleeves, revealing scars which dated back centuries.

In all honesty, it was a miracle that Crowley hadn’t been discorporated decades ago. There was more scar tissue than skin on his arms and some of the newer cuts were exceedingly deep. It made Aziraphale’s heart ache to think about how long his lover had been hurting for. Anytime the angel touched his skin, Crowley would flinch and hiss slightly, as though the slight brush of skin against skin was burning him.

Aziraphale was worried, but he would be damned if he didn’t help Crowley. He was determined that the demon would recover, even if it killed him.


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Crowley has urges and gets upset.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey. I’m sorry that this took so long to be posted. I’ve been hella depressed so this chapter is shit. In fact, the whole story is shit. I don’t know whether I should just delete this fic. Please please let me know in the comments whether I should keep going or just abandon this.

It had been a few days since the last time Crowley had self harmed and he was having really strong urges. His whole body was shaking and he couldn’t concentrate. He needed to cut. 

There was one small problem though. Aziraphale was currently sitting beside him, shooting him little worried glances every few seconds. The demon was loathe to upset his angel though, so he kept quiet. It wasn’t like there was anything in the bookshop he could use anyway.

“Crowley darling, are you okay?” Asked Aziraphale.

“Course angel, tickety boo, never been better. Why would you think otherwise?” Replied the demon.

Aziraphale didn’t even reply to this at first, just gave his husband a look which said ‘really?’

“I’m not stupid dearest, please talk to me, I know you’re upset about something.”

“It’s just, well, umm, I kind of feel like, ehhh you know - cutting” Crowley eventually stuttered out. He had never confided with anyone before but he trusted Aziraphale more than anyone. Especially here, in their own home, surrounded by books and the smell of food cooking in the background.

“Thank you for trusting me, sweetheart. Are there any particular things bothering you?”

Yes. There were a hundred things but how could he articulate them? He was thinking about his fall, and the bookshop fire, and how absolutely terrified he was that heaven and hell would come for them. Then on top of that he was worrying about what Aziraphale thought of him. He was pathetic.

The dam burst and he broke down in tears.


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Crowley actually talks about some of his issues for a change.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys, I’m back. Life has been hectic recently. I got a dog, and that is a really long story, so if anyone wants to hear it leave a comment.
> 
> I essentially have two frames of mind. One is ‘omg I’m a fantastic writer holy shit’ and the other is ‘you are awful, just kill yourself so people don’t have to read your writing’

The angel was expecting a curt “no” from Crowley, not this complete and utter breakdown. He was momentarily struck dumb by the demon’s reaction but he quickly came to his senses. Aziraphale gathered the demon into his arms and rocked gently, shushing his husband.

“Come on darling, it’s okay, there is absolutely nothing you can say to me that will stop me from loving you. I will never leave you. You are the strongest, most loving and most beautiful person on this earth. Crowley, I love you more than anyone or anything. More than my first edition Oscar Wilde collection, more than sushi, even more than the Ritz. Do you know why? Because you have stuck by me through everything, no matter what. You have saved me numerous times. I will help you through this. Not because I have to, or because I’m an angel, but because I love you.”

Crowley had been looking up at his angel through tear filled eyes. Aziraphale has managed to hit the nail on the head with many of his comments. The demon felt safe and loved.

“I love you too angel.”

Aziraphale smiled down at him. 

“I know, dearest. Now, would you be willing to have a little chat about what has made you feel like this?” Crowley nodded. “Good, sweetheart.”

“I know it’s stupid but I keep worrying about you. When the bookshop burned down I thought I had lost you. You were nowhere to be found. Then we stopped Armageddon only to have Heaven and Hell come after us. What if they come back? I couldn’t live without you, angel. When I Fell, I felt unloved and unwanted. My creator had thrown me away like rubbish. When I met you, and heard what you had done for Adam and Eve, I fell in love. Absolutely head over heels. But I thought you would never want me. Eventually, around about the 14th century, everything got too much. I didn’t have an escape. I tried everything, from meditation to alcohol to casual sex, but nothing worked. One day I was out causing evil when I tripped. I fell and grazed my palms. The feeling of relief was instantaneous. I couldn’t get it out of my head, so I decided to experiment. After a while, I was cutting myself every night, even when I didn’t really need to. The times when I met you were the only things I lived for. When we had our argument I seriously thought about ending it all. Hell could hardly be worse than an earth without you. I can’t lose you again angel. Please stay with me.” The demon blurted out. Tears were trickling down his cheeks as he looked up at his angel, waiting for a reaction.

“Oh, Crowley.” Were the only words Aziraphale was able to form. So, for just now, he simply hugged the demon closer.


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A nice bit of fluff for you all today. We are getting quite dark next chapter though.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello! I’m back. Life is shit right now so updates probably won’t be regular. I’ll do my best though.
> 
> (Hi Ruth)

Aziraphale and Crowley were currently lying in bed together. Crowley’s auburn hair was spread over the angel’s chest. Both of them were still asleep.

Eventually, the demon began to stir. He was filled with a sense of peace that he hadn’t felt since before his fall. He gazed up at his husband with adoration.

Obviously sensing the yellow eyes upon him, Aziraphale woke up. He beamed down at the demon through sleep-encrusted eyes.

”Good morning darling. How are you feeling this morning?” 

“I’m okay thanks. How are you? D’you fancy the Ritz for lunch?” Replied the demon.

Aziraphale grinned. “Dearest, why must you tempt me so? You’re a wily old serpent. _Of course_ I want to go to the ritz with you.”

*****

Occult (or ethereal) beings aren’t actually supposed to use miracles for frivolous things like opening up a table at your favourite restaurant. But who cared anymore? Heaven and Hell wouldn’t touch them after the Apocalypse (haha).

Aziraphale had ordered his usual meal of Halibut while Crowley stuck to alcohol. Quite extraordinarily large amounts of alcohol. He was well and truly shitfaced.

”Come on, sweetheart, this is a nice restaurant. Sober up a little or we will get thrown out like hooligans.”

The demon simply screwed up his face and gave the angel a cheeky grin. He did as he was told though. An angry book selling angel was not something to be messed with.

”Angel. I’ve got an idea. Why don’t we go for a walk in the park? We can feed the ducks and get an ice cream too if you’d like.”

His husband gave him one of his delightful little smiles and then leaned over to give him a kiss. Life was good right now.


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Aziraphale and Crowley are assaulted in the street. I love Aziraphale when he sticks up for himself and Crowley.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Did you really think I would let these two be happy?
> 
> Trigger warnings for: homophobia, slurs and some violence
> 
> This is based on an incident that happened to me and my girlfriend, except for us it was in front of the whole school and now I’m probably moving school :)

Crowley and Aziraphale were walking hand in hand through the streets of London. Every so often, one of them would lean over and kiss the other on the cheek. They were ridiculously in love. The sun shone down on them, making the angel’s soft blonde curls glow. Crowley thought he looked gorgeous.

”Oi, faggots! You should get put down, you are disgusting! You’ll rot in hell! Poofs!”

This came from two young adults who looked about twenty. Both had smirks on their face, most likely thinking they had come up with the most original and insulting comment in the world.

Now, Crowley had experienced plenty of homophobia in his lifetime, but none quite so shocking as this. It was 2019 for pete’s sake, this stuff should be getting taught in schools. There was one slightly more shocking thing currently happening, however.

His angel was striding across the road towards them, looking incredibly angry. His fists were clenched and the demon could see the pure power radiating from him. Crowley had never known Aziraphale to be so angry.

“What the fuck did you just say to us?” Aziraphale asked in a dangerously quiet voice.

The youth, who obviously had a death wish, sniggered. “ I said that you two homos would rot in hell. You’re faggots, fairies, queers, whatever. It’s disgusting.”

Aziraphale promptly punched him in the face. Crowley gaped. What the fuck was going on?

“Listen to me very closely now, boys. My sexuality is nothing to do with you. I could press charges. I won’t however. You see, I know what will happen to you. God doesn’t accept bigotry, in fact She despises it. So you’d better grow up. My boyfriend and I won’t accept this behaviour. Okay?”

The youths nodded their heads so vigorously they looked like the dog from the insurance adverts. They then turned on their heel and left.

Aziraphale walked up to Crowley, and quickly hugged him. “Are you okay, darling? I didn’t mean to upset you. Are you still up for ice cream?” The angel asked.

Crowley simply nodded. Who the hell was this and what had he done with his husband?

The demon, original tempter, grabbed his husband around the waist. He kissed him passionately before pulling back and looking into his eyes affectionately.

”I love you, angel.”


	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Crowley breaks down.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys, I’m back. Life is hard right now but I’m doing my best.

Crowley managed to keep his cool until they reached the bookshop. The second they crossed the threshold he began to sob. Aziraphale grasped his hand and gently led him towards the couch.

“It’s okay, darling, I’m here. I’m not going anywhere and I’m here to help you. Can you take deep breaths for me please and then we can have a chat about what’s going on?”

The demon shook his head violently. Tears dripped down his face as he struggled to speak.

“I n-need to g-go, angel. That boy was right, you are going to F-Fall because of me. It’ll be b-better for everyone if I go j-just now.”

Aziraphale sighed heavily. He wished he had hit that idiotic boy a bit harder.

“Crowley, sweetheart, listen carefully to me. I love you more than anything in the world. I don’t care if I Fall. I am going to spend eternity with you. Anyway, if I was going to Fall it would have happened by now. That bigot in the street didn’t understand. You know better than anyone that God does not hate LGBT people. He was simply trying to get a reaction from us. You are not going anywhere. You will stay here, in my bookshop, with me, and we will work together to move forward. Now, I’m sure this incident has brought up some rather unpleasant emotions and thoughts. Am I right?”

The demon nodded slowly. He was itching to slip away to the bathroom and find a blade. There was no way that Aziraphale would let him be alone just now though. He would need to wait until later.

“I don’t want to talk about it just now, angel. Can we watch a film please? Just to take my mind off things?”

“Of course, dearest.”

They settled down to watch Lilo and Stitch. Crowley had been good friends with Elvis back in the day so that film always brought back pleasant memories. Aziraphale simply loved Stitch.

Now, the demon just had to find an opening to leave. He _had _to cut.


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello. Here’s another chapter. There is some quite graphic self harm in this one so please be careful

Crowley got up around halfway through the film to “go for a piss”. He was almost shaking now from how strong his urges to cut were. Aziraphale had looked slightly worried when he had gotten up but had said nothing as he didn’t want his husband to think he didn’t trust him.

The demon had locked the bathroom door before he started to rummage through the cupboard. Sometimes he hated how thorough his angel was. There was nothing sharp in the bathroom whatsoever. Oh well. Being an occult being sometimes had its perks. He snapped his fingers and a small knife appeared in his hand. It was exceedingly sharp but small enough to hide. He yanked up his sleeve and began to cut.

The knife was perfect for cutting with. It sliced through his skin and left a white looking gash in his arm which slowly began to fill with blood. He repeated this process a few more times before he felt relief, sweet and strong, coursing through him. He put the knife into his back pocket and began to clean the wounds.

”Crowley! What are you doing? Are you okay?” 

Fuck. He thought he had more time before the angel began to look for him. He felt a dark pool of dread begin to form in his stomach. The angel would hate him now. He was pathetic. It felt like all of the life had drained out of him in that moment.

Aziraphale spoke again, softer this time. “Crowley, darling? Please let me know you’re okay. I’m not angry, dearest, just please let me in.”

The angel heard the door click softly and he pushed it open.

Crowley was sitting on the edge of the bath, looking blank. His sleeve was rolled up to his elbow and his forearm was covered in blood. He wouldn't look at Aziraphale.

”Oh, Crowley, my love. Can I come over?”

The demon burst into tears and began to claw at his face and his hair. He slipped down onto the floor.

”I’m sorry, angel, I’m so sorry, please don’t leave me!” He screamed, terror gripping him. He began to smack his head off of the hard surface of the bath, and his vision started to darken around the edges. 


	13. Chapter 13

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Crowley is upset and Aziraphale tries to help

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey. I'm back. My mental health is the worst it's been in almost a year so that's fun and fresh

Aziraphale wasn’t stupid. He had an inkling of what Crowley was going to do but he hoped he was wrong. And anyway, it wasn’t like he could forbid the demon from going to the toilet. He simply had to trust him. Crowley wouldn’t try to discorporate himself, surely.   
To be fair, the demon wasn’t trying to discorporate himself. There were quicker and less painful methods of doing that than bashing his skull in with a bath. He just didn’t know what else to do. Crowley was convinced that Aziraphale was going to hate him and the only way to repent was to hurt himself. After all, what kind of angel would love someone so awful as him. What kind of angel would lower themselves enough to actually *care* for the serpent of Eden?   
As per usual, Crowley was completely wrong about what the angel was thinking. Aziraphale was arguably the only angel (by human standards) alive. He was compassionate, caring and helpful, everything an angel should be. He also loved the demon more than anything or anyone (barring God, of course). Unless Crowley was to physically force him away, the demon was stuck with him.   
When Aziraphale realised what was actually happening in the bathroom, he rushed in to try to stop Crowley killing off what few brain cells he had left. He placed a hand behind the demon’s head and used the other one to stop the assault on the auburn locks. Crowley was *wailing*, noises of pure suffering and grief, and he was shaking like a leaf. Sometime between his self-harm and Aziraphale coming in he had curled up into a ball, with his knees touching his chin. The angel sat down beside him and opened his arms, allowing Crowley to lean against his chest. He rocked back and forth and mumbled into the demon’s hair, placing soft kisses on his crown.   
“Crowley, darling, take deep breaths for me. We’ll stay in here until you’re calm, okay?” A small nod. “Well done dearest, you’re doing so well. Can you give me whatever you used to harm yourself now? I need to know you’re safe,” the angel whispered, keeping his voice low to try to calm his husband. Crowley shook his head and began to cry harder. “Okay, we can talk about that later then. I need you to talk to me now sweetheart. Get everything off your chest. I’ll never judge you, or hate you, or leave you. You don’t need to worry about that. If you tell me then we can work through it together to get you better. Can you do that for me, Crowley?”   
The demon took a deep breath. “I ssssuppose,” he hissed.


	14. Chapter 14

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Some angst with very little comfort

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello again. It's currently three in the morning and I've just relapsed after two weeks clean. I might have Ehlers Danlos syndrome so that's taking a huge toll on my mental health. I spent two days in hospital too so WAHOO
> 
> I think this is my longest chapter so far

It took ten minutes for Crowley to be calm enough to talk to Aziraphale. During that time, Aziraphale had had to stop him harming himself three times. In the end, the angel took hold of his husband’s hands and held them close. He then moved them into the living room to sit on the couch. 

Aziraphale had hoped that they were past this. He knew Crowley would still have relapses, still have those thoughts, but he had hoped that now that he knew, things wouldn’t be so hard for the demon. Obviously, he was wrong. Something was obviously wrong with Crowley. And Aziraphale would be damned if he didn’t find out what. 

“Crowley, sweetheart? Are you ready to talk about what happened?” The angel asked, hoping that the answer would be yes. 

The demon nodded, glaring at his lap. He didn’t particularly want to talk about it, he was perfectly happy to keep cutting himself. It worked so much better than anything else. “I’ll talk about it, but I don’t want you to be angry with me. I’m really sorry I cut,” Crowley wasn’t, he was only sorry he’d been found out, “but I won’t give you my knife, I need it. When you leave, I need a backup and this knife has been here for me for years. Everyone else has left. Even you, angel, and I don’t blame you. I'd prefer it if you asked me questions though. It makes it easier for me.” All of this came out in one breath and Aziraphale had to take a few seconds to process Crowley’s words. The angel nodded in agreement to this plan. 

“Can we start now, dearest?” Crowley nodded. 

“Okay. May I see the cuts you made while you were in the bathroom?” The demon yanked up the sleeve of his top to reveal six large cuts. They were all deep and some were still bleeding. 

“May I clean them for you? Or heal them if you prefer?” A swift shake of the head from Crowley. Aziraphale sighed. “Well, I can’t force you. What was going through your mind when you hurt yourself, darling?” 

Crowley took a deep breath. Trust Aziraphale to get straight to the point and not beat around the bush. “Well... I don’t want you to Fall. You’re a good angel, the best, and Falling *hurts*. If you Fall, then it’ll be all my fault and you’ll hate me forever. For Someone’s sake, you’re probably only with me just now because you pity me. I hate myself and everything that those boys said was true. Everything they said plus a load of other things. Everyone leaves eventually. I wish I had downed that holy water every single day. You almost died because of me Aziraphale, you were discorporated because of me. How can you still be here, when you know what I've done? To myself and to others? To *you*? I’m an awful person, the worst, I can’t do anything right. I just want to be different, to be someone other than myself. And I'm sorry. I’m so, so sorry. Sorry for the things I've said and the stuff I've done. But I still need to pay, to repent for all of the horrible shit I've done. So that’s why. Everything is getting on top of me and I want to talk about it, but I can’t because I'll make you leave me again!” Crowley was almost shouting by the time he had finished his tirade. His hands had slowly migrated back up to his hair. He yanked it, hard, and then dragged his long nails down his arm, opening up his wounds again. He was expecting Aziraphale to hit him, or at least to force him out of the bookshop, for saying the things he had said and then for harming himself. Then he began to sob. Again. 

Instead, the angel took Crowley’s hands in his and began to speak softly. 

“Shh my love, it’s okay, let it all out. Come on, you can do it,” Aziraphale said, hoping to alleviate some of the stress that Crowley was under.

“I thought you were dead! I thought you’d left me alone! The bookshop was on fire and you weren’t there. My world ended there and then, and I stopped caring about the Apocalypse because you were *dead*. And now you probably hate me, so what’s the point? I hate myself; I deserve to rot in Hell!” This last sentence was so filled with venom that Aziraphale was taken aback. He didn’t know what to do, so he just let his husband cry in his arms until he fell asleep, murmuring soft words into the demon’s ear. 

And as soon as he knew Crowley was asleep, he began to cry.


	15. Chapter 15

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Crowley is depressed so the husbands spend the day in bed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is just pure fluff. Sorry for the long wait between chapters!

Aziraphale had carried the demon to bed and fallen asleep himself after a little while. His dreams were plagued by visions of Crowley, dead on the floor, surrounded by his own blood. In the end he grabbed his book from the bedside table and began to read. 

At some point during the night Crowley had curled himself around Aziraphale. Their legs were intertwined, and his head rested on Aziraphale’s chest. His hands clutched the angel’s nightshirt tightly, and his red hair was spread around his head like a halo. 

After a few hours of simply snuggling and sleeping, Crowley began to stir. Aziraphale pressed a soft kiss onto his forehead, enjoying the small whine elicited from his husband’s lips. “Wake up, sweetheart. How are you feeling today?”   
Crowley frowned. He didn’t want to talk about this. Eventually he said “Fine. I’m fine,” in a not-very-convincing tone. For a demon, he was spectacularly bad at lying. 

“Darling, you don’t have to tell me what you think I want to hear. I love you, and I always will, no matter what. You needn’t worry about upsetting me or making me angry. I’ll be here for you until the end of time. Now, how are you really feeling?”   
Damn. How did Aziraphale always know what he was thinking? He loved it while hating it at the same time. 

“I’m not *too* depressed. I’ll manage to get through it. Just want to lie in bed all day. Want to cut as well. I don’t want to go anywhere or do anything, just want to stay here with you, angel. But it’s okay if you need to do anything or leave, I understand. I wouldn’t want to stay with me either,” Crowley blurted out, his eyes filled with worry. He nibbled his bottom lip. “Sorry,” he added. What the fuck was going on with him? He’d never actually trusted anyone before, so why the hell was he going to start now? He was fucking pathetic. 

Aziraphale nodded. “Thank you for being honest with me, love. I am perfectly happy to stay here with you all day. You are one of the strongest beings I have ever known and I am incredibly proud of you. You never need to apologise to me for expressing emotions, or wishes, or thoughts. I would happily spend years of my time here, with you. Now, would you like to watch some television, or would you like me to read to you?” 

Crowley smiled faintly. Maybe it wasn’t too much to ask for his angel to stay with him. “Will you read to me please?” 

“Of course, dear boy!” 

That was how the day was spent, Crowley drifting in and out of sleep while Aziraphale read to him. And if Crowley happened to miracle up some pastries and tea for his angel, well, it’s not like anyone would notice. He wasn’t being *nice* of course. Temptation and all that.


	16. Chapter 16

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Aziraphale suggests therapy for Crowley with one of his old friends.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi everyone! I'm not too happy with this chapter but I've been trying to write it for ages now and it's not going to get any better. Joshua will be introduced properly in the next chapter.
> 
> So, almost two months later, I decided to check the last chapter I posted. And what did I find? That I'd posted the chapter in the notes as well. FML.

Aziraphale had been Thinking (capital T). He knew that he couldn’t help Crowley alone and that attempting to do so was a sure-fire way to sour their relationship. Of course, going to a human wasn’t an option. This had led him to the conclusion that another angel or demon would be the best option to help Crowley recover. And of course, not just anyone would do. 

Joshua was one of the first angels created. He was the healer of Heaven and he was fantastic at his job. There wasn’t an illness or injury he hadn’t seen before and he was able to treat anything. He held records for every angel ever created, meaning that he could find out everything about his patient from a single glance. Joshua also happened to be a friend of Aziraphale. He had treated him on a few occasions. Learning how to protect the garden of Eden came with its risks. 

When Aziraphale had first mentioned his plan to Crowley, the demon had been... upset to say the least. He had cried and begged and shouted, doing everything he could to talk Aziraphale out of this. The angel refused to be swayed, however. He let Crowley burn himself out and then began to comfort him, running his fingers through the thick red hair. Crowley’s eyes were bare, and his emotions shone through clearly. 

“Angel, please, I don’t want to do this. He’ll hate me and he’ll tell everyone everything I say. I’m fine, there’s nothing wrong with me. I’ll do anything you want, just please don’t make me,” Crowley said, his eyes brimming with tears and his hands shaking “Please, I'm begging you,” 

Aziraphale shushed him. “Crowley, darling, I'm not doing this to hurt you and of course I will never make you do anything you don’t want to do. However, I would like you to at least meet Joshua. You don’t need to tell him anything you don’t want to, and I guarantee you that everything you say will stay between the two of you. When he was first created, God made him promise that healing would be his only interest. She made sure that if he ever breaks that he will be punished. You can trust him, and if you don’t like him then you never have to see him again and we can find someone else. Deal?” 

Crowley nodded. “I’ll see him once, just for you, and then afterwards we never have to talk about this again,” 

The angel sighed but knew this was as far as they were going to get for now. So, he bundled them both up and miracled them into bed, where they slept for the rest of the day. Peacefully and happily (for Aziraphale) and anxiously (for Crowley).


	17. Chapter 17

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Crowley meets Joshua for the first time

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, it's been close to two months since I last updated. I've been trying to write this chapter for a while and it's not getting any better so i'm just going to go for it. Sorry for the wait.
> 
> Thank you to Sherl8ckWat2on for giving me the idea for Joshua, and to everyone else who commented. I appreciate you all, even if I don't always get around to answering.

Crowley’s hands shook as he waited in Joshua’s reception in Heaven. Demons and angels alike wandered in and out, seeking treatment for their various ailments. Aziraphale sat beside him and stroked his hand lightly, trying to calm him. He shook like a leaf and ran his nails over his thigh. After about ten minutes, Crowley was called in. 

“I’ll wait here for you darling. I love you,” Aziraphale called as the demon headed in. Crowley looked back and glared at him. The angel’s bright smile faltered, but grew again when Crowley replied, “I love you too, angel.” He didn’t think those words would ever be any less wonderful to hear. 

Crowley was (to put it politely) terrified. He had been ridiculed in the past for his issues and wasn’t keen to repeat the experience. Still, Aziraphale had asked him to do it, and there was very little he wouldn’t do for his angel. He would go once, hate it, and they would never speak of any of this ever again. 

He walked into the small room and looked around. There were three comfy looking chairs and a small table littered with notebooks and tissues. Joshua was sitting in one of the chairs, and he smiled at Crowley as he came in.   
Joshua wore a light grey suit and had short blonde hair. He had blue eyes like Aziraphale’s, although his had more gold in them, probably due to being stuck in Heaven all the time. 

“Hi Crowley, my name is Joshua, as you probably already know. Have a seat. I’ve been friends with your husband for years and it’s a pleasure to finally meet you. What brings you here today?” 

The demon grimaced but took a seat anyway. “Well, umm, you see -” He took a deep breath and started again, gathering all of his courage. 

“Aziraphale wanted me to talk to someone” 

The angel gave him a small smile and nodded. He knew Crowley wouldn’t trust him straight away. It would take time and effort from both of them, but he hoped that in time he would be able to trust him fully and be open and honest about how he felt. 

“Okay Crowley, let’s talk”


End file.
